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I wish I were pretty, I wish I were brave

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6/9/11 12:27 am - No words for this

Will never and I refuse to understand why the government will never take a break from building more and more and more high rise apartments that are eventually going to be.. EMPTY. One day, Singapore will purely consist of 100% concrete. Just learned that Bukit Brown Cemetery is gazetted for development by URA for HOUSING NEEDS. What housing needs to you want when Singapore is facing slow birth rate since like ever. Plus you guys are already gonna cut down on the number of foreigners so this is just so damn ridiculous. And even if so, demolish less worthier places dude. Bukit Brown houses the greatest people in Singapore that ever lived. I think its just darn disrespectful. You guys have to really check out how beautiful and grand the tombs there are. A definite waste if they were to no longer exist. We already gave you the whole damn Punggol, what more do you want? For those of you who don’t know, the cemetery is just opposite cjc.

It seems too pathetic. Even the mini plot of land at the back of my flat somehow MUST be fully utilised for housing. Amid the many many HDB flats that are WAY bigger than that pathetically sized building. It’s a mini condo with 5 floors and 74 units. What da fuck is the point? Plus it’s located directly (and I mean side by side because everything is so jam packed there) beside a mosque and no offense but its gonna be pretty distracting every 5 times a day for the non-muslims who will ever think of living there. I just don’t see the point in building so many properties. I’m sure anything else will be relatively more meaningful. Like expand the park beside it or something. But hell to da no. We must build and build and build and build. There has to be something on every green patch of land. What we have will never be enough because we are gonna x10 the population in the next 5 years. Sometimes I can’t help but feel that Singapore is not a good place to live.

5/22/11 11:18 pm - Hello bright and beautiful world!

So here I am back again wanting to tell you guys yet another disappointing incident and rant about it till the end of the world. Which obviously did not occur yesterday. Why is it that every time I’m perfectly contented with life I can’t bring myself to pen a thought and when things take their shift, I just wanna let the whole world know how it simply sucks to be me? How ridiculous I never once realised I don’t actually appreciate the good stuff but dwell in the bad. So I’m gonna tell ya’ll something bad but express it in the most optimistic tone and just maybe, I’ll feel better about it.

I don’t get why my parents are fighting over who wants to pay for my uni fees, or rather who wants to claim credit for bringing me up ever since my kiddy days. I get it, the parents pride crap. But look guys, I have been the one studying my ass off in the midst of all your annoying nagging and unreasonable cutting of my allowances. So give it a break, all the credit belongs to the one and only great me. And after “granting” my mom her wish to pay for my fees, she decided that it’ll be more convenient I pay for them myself, through bank loans in the next 4 freaking years. (wtf.....) But anyway, IT’S TOTALLY ALRIGHT. I’ve been surviving everyday with phone bills to pay, with self funded holidays, topped up with the diving and driving courses to take and random sporting events to pay for, I am still good. I AM STILL GOOD PEOPLE. And after my education I’ll feel so damn accomplished because I’m the one who brought myself up and through all these. I’ll crack my brain and tear my pocket but I know it’s worth it.

To the many of you with no allowances, it’s alright. You can do anything you like without your parents’ help, as long as you work hard for it and when you finally achieve your goal - ohh the fruits of your labour in your hands (and bank) - which I by the way just applied under ocbc cuz I’m gonna be so effing rich. My mom no longer have much rights to tell me what to do and what not cause suck it, I’m paying for it woman. See what these people don’t realise is that the more they make their kids pay for every damn thing, the less authority they’re acquiring over their kids. You want us to act like independent adults, then don’t try to strike control over our lives. Simple as it is.

Honestly I don’t know if what I’m saying is actually morally right but I feel much better.

5/15/11 01:06 am - Hi.

I’m gonna be doing so many things with jj! Sundown Marathon, Adventure Trail Challenge and a rewarding trip to Bali by the end of june (paid by me of course like lol). So much fun and bonding in the days ahead. Can’t wait.

For those of ya’ll who haven’t bothered catching Vampire Diaries, you guys just missed out the greatest drama in your life. A definite pity. Stephen made a right decision to never ever come back. The season should just end here as it is HAHA. And to Richa: have a blast in vancouver but leave some fun for me when you’re back!! <3 Remember your healthy pact. Bye.

5/12/11 09:12 pm - Find a way

Just had the most wonderful time with the girls. Being crazy, talking and laughing, realizing how you are really not alone in this world. That’s what friends are for, the people I am most thankful for.

Thinking about the past and realizing that there’s nothing much but a hell load of hurt and confusion. Sometimes I wish I had the ability to forget. But cameras capture moments that last forever, and if it’s moments you wish would not have existed then it’s nothing but a scar. What’s worse is that you can’t do anything but forget which you can’t, so this whole thing is just stupid. Hate how this night is going.

5/8/11 05:18 pm - Give into me

I’m gonna start a fire
You’re gonna feel the heat
I’m gonna burn for you
You’re gonna melt for me

4/19/11 06:36 am - Franklin

Could you remind me of the time when we were so alive. Do you remember that? Do you remember that.

4/16/11 12:16 pm - Sputterrr

Once again, my depressing days. The feeling of happiness is never long lasting. I don’t think you could even call that happiness in the first place. I mean, what’s a couple of laughs, or speaking so enthusiastically about something only to end up being too noisy. I don’t even know what happiness is anymore. It feels like I’m analysing every feeling in my bones and asking myself if this is the real meaning of it. Because sometimes or most of the time I’m always not satisfied with something. And people will always fail to make you happy. So just count it on yourself. When you depend too much on someone, that’s your deepest pit. It’s not called love, it’s simply not being independent. And most of the time the feeling sucks. I think I’ve got myself into that pit, and every decision I make the bad eventually outweighs the good. I don’t know what the idea of happiness is and definition, incomprehensible but I know that I can’t find it from the life I’m living. I’m always scolded or at least guilty for doing something I’m “not supposed to do” but I still do it anyway  maybe for the sake of others and too many reasons to it other than the fact that I’m rebellious. But these people don’t see that you have gone through so much shit for them and they end up not living up to your expectations once again. And then I’m overwhelmed with the feeling of being neglected or unappreciated. You know no matter how many different type of relationships there are in the world, it will always boil down to each individual thinking for himself and himself alone. Why do doctors save life? Life is important but there will always be a part that will make them feel good about themselves. I think saving someone’s life is always instinctive, because no one can bear the lifelong guilt stored if you don’t try. Why will I eventually let go of things I’ve held so dearly, because I’m just not happy really.

3/31/11 02:22 pm - If I own this city, then I'd make it behave

Dear everyone,

I am utterly bored now. What am I doing with my life? In here, the line between productiveness and fulfillment is a total blur. I may not hate it here, but I still drag myself to work every morning. I'm so tired of the fact that I have to wake up every single morning just to come here. It gets as mundane as school, but worse because there's barely anyone I can talk to or laugh with. I want to go out there and grasp what I'm missing out. But what I'm missing out on I don't know, I just know that I'm missing something. I'm stagnant. At the same time, it feels like this place doesn't have much to offer. I'm going out to the same places all over again, only that my available balance decreases each time. So I might as well be stuck here. Doing the same repetitive stuff and earning lots of money to make myself happy, but I won't spend it. It doesn't make sense. Sometimes I feel like I have no meaning to life but isn't that kind of typical for everyone to feel that way? It's like, freaking boring I swear. I'm torn. Yesterday I had a dream. I got rejected from all the local universities and got admitted to University of Cairo. Ha ha ha.. This is so hilarious. It has no link to what I'm trying to say though. I don't know what I'm trying to say in the first place actually. Just anything that comes to mind.

Maybe in years to come I'll be like Elizabeth Gilbert. I'll travel to Bali, Italy, India. I'll get some Indonesian man tell me my future, be entwined with an Italian lover, and finally settle with an Indian Guru to help assess the immensity of the human spirit and frailty of the human body. And I'll come back super happy or something. I sound damn supernatural right lol. And what comes next I don't know. Get married, work, work, work, retire, die. I think Gilbert is still secretly miserable just that it can't possibly be written in her book. I think I'm changing. But it's not my fault that I'm changing. We all grow older and we all eventually change, whether or not we want it to happen. But it's the pressing circumstances and situations around us that mould us to who we become. I realised I've become increasingly discontented with a lot of things. It just can't be expressed in words or I'm just not good enough to comprehend it. It's like, everything's good with life but still, I'm not satisfied. I don't really know why. And why is it that the people we love most always upset us the most? It's something I really can't quite figure. What if we eventually grow to hate the people we once loved? And then we love others once more and the whole cycle repeats itself. Maybe it's just the way I'm thinking. I'm weird. This is a damn boring post.

3/20/11 01:25 am

Sometimes, all you can do is hold on.
No matter how painful it’s gonna be.
Because you know it’s more painful when you lose it.

3/14/11 12:59 pm - Not too late for the other side

I went away for the weekend to try something I've always thought of doing. With everything self-funded, it was probably one of the most satisfying couple of days I treated myself to. I really wished for a longer stay, to have the sun in my eyes and bathe in the overwhelming layer of heat, with a wonderful view of the sea and the soothing sound of waves gently breaking against the shore. Clouds were sparse and the sky was as clear as the waters were.

These waters encapsulate a whole other world of life you don't see or bother to take notice when you're dry on land. It's so deceiving to picture the sea from where you sit, and all you see is an infinite volume of water, with abrupt changes in shades of blue further out into the ocean. Yet beneath this beauty is a hidden realm that amplifies its worth. Ironically, in this place with extreme lack of air and suffocating waters, I can actually breathe more with its surrounding peacefulness and because it is a whole lot more vibrant than this cubicle I'm trapped in. I saw a bountiful load of species of fishes swimming in schools and some of their silver scales shimmering amidst the blue. Everything there was so delicate and even the most plain looking ones seemed too precious to be fished. I didn't have to see turtles or sharks just to heighten my thrill because everything else was equally worthy. And for once, I didn't have to think about my future, worry over unfinished matters or bother using my handphone or mac. I was about completely cut-off from my world and I felt simply happy. Depressingly, you can't live that sort of life to survive. But the next time I do something like that, it'll always be for this reason.

My best friend was the most awesome company I had and I wouldn't want to spend it with anyone else. I'm so happy we did this together and extremely proud of you babe. And despite a frustrating end to a Sunday night, painfully epitomizing the start of another dreadful week, my weekend was perfect.
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