hotcherryred (hotcherryred) wrote,

If I own this city, then I'd make it behave

Dear everyone,

I am utterly bored now. What am I doing with my life? In here, the line between productiveness and fulfillment is a total blur. I may not hate it here, but I still drag myself to work every morning. I'm so tired of the fact that I have to wake up every single morning just to come here. It gets as mundane as school, but worse because there's barely anyone I can talk to or laugh with. I want to go out there and grasp what I'm missing out. But what I'm missing out on I don't know, I just know that I'm missing something. I'm stagnant. At the same time, it feels like this place doesn't have much to offer. I'm going out to the same places all over again, only that my available balance decreases each time. So I might as well be stuck here. Doing the same repetitive stuff and earning lots of money to make myself happy, but I won't spend it. It doesn't make sense. Sometimes I feel like I have no meaning to life but isn't that kind of typical for everyone to feel that way? It's like, freaking boring I swear. I'm torn. Yesterday I had a dream. I got rejected from all the local universities and got admitted to University of Cairo. Ha ha ha.. This is so hilarious. It has no link to what I'm trying to say though. I don't know what I'm trying to say in the first place actually. Just anything that comes to mind.

Maybe in years to come I'll be like Elizabeth Gilbert. I'll travel to Bali, Italy, India. I'll get some Indonesian man tell me my future, be entwined with an Italian lover, and finally settle with an Indian Guru to help assess the immensity of the human spirit and frailty of the human body. And I'll come back super happy or something. I sound damn supernatural right lol. And what comes next I don't know. Get married, work, work, work, retire, die. I think Gilbert is still secretly miserable just that it can't possibly be written in her book. I think I'm changing. But it's not my fault that I'm changing. We all grow older and we all eventually change, whether or not we want it to happen. But it's the pressing circumstances and situations around us that mould us to who we become. I realised I've become increasingly discontented with a lot of things. It just can't be expressed in words or I'm just not good enough to comprehend it. It's like, everything's good with life but still, I'm not satisfied. I don't really know why. And why is it that the people we love most always upset us the most? It's something I really can't quite figure. What if we eventually grow to hate the people we once loved? And then we love others once more and the whole cycle repeats itself. Maybe it's just the way I'm thinking. I'm weird. This is a damn boring post.
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